I am so stressed and it feels as if everything I am doing has no purpose whatsoever.
I am learning and learning and learning, everyday new lessons. I am studying and studying and studying and I am so sick of it. It feels as if everything I want to learn, everything I need to learn isn’t tought at school. I need to go on an adventure to learn the things I need. Maybe I have no idea, maybe I just need to focus and start working, but I do not understand why I should just accept the system I live in. Isn’t it good that I question if our system really works. Because it does not work for me. That I have to go to school everyday and learn things I don’t find valuable makes me miserable and I don’t think any system is good if it makes people miserable.

There is not one molecule in my body that is going to school because she wants to, because the things I am learning are just useless. It is so fucking old-fashioned that maths is more important than drama. I understand that you need to learn a base, but I have learned that base and I don’t see why it is obligatory. And frankly, it causes me to live an unhappy life.

I know that having maths isn’t the worst thing and I know that having an unhappy life because of maths is a bit overdone but it does feel that way. And yes children in Africa do not have my education and yes I am a very privilidged person, but that doesn’t mean that my problems hurt less. They should hurt less, because they are a lot smaller, but that is not how emotions work. I just want to start living my life the way I want it. I want to learn about poetry and books and go to theatres and learn about different cultures. Math isn’t going to help you furhter in life, but understanding emotions is.

It is probably just a phase I have to get through. Everything feels awful now, but maybe in a few months everything is fine again, I hope so.

I have just so much to do and it feels a bit too much sometimes. I just want to curl up into a corner and sleep for seven days straight, sleep until all the exams are over and I am feeling alright again. But that is not how life works. I need to get up and start doing things. Get up and learn maths and pass my theory test and my get my drivers license, because in the end I will be happy I did al those things and I will feel proud that I did all those things.

It is just this month, I need to get through this month. Pass al my tests, that is the goal. The grade does not matter, I just need to pass them. How hard can that be? I need to work, that is basically what I am trying to say. I need to fucking work and get my lazy ass of my bed.

It all feels a little overwhelming at the moment, but I need to learn how to deal with this. Because a lot more stress is going to come and I can’t have a mental breakdown everytime I have a lot to do. So instead of whining about the things I have to do, I have to see this as a lesson to be learned. I need to plan things a bit better and need to study a bit more.

For now: just pass the fucking tests. It really isn’t that hard. Focus on each subject one by one and eventually I’ll get that 6 I need. I just need to pass the year, that’s all.

Now, I am going to start studying and start learning some life lessons.

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Babette Helena