The chatter on the left, makes me lift up my head
their mouths form my name, feelings I can’t seem to tame
wash over my brains, like I fed them some poison that clotted my veins.

The name is the same, but not mine that I carry
I need them, I want them
to like me; they’re scary.
If not but the entire world likes me
I tumble down in the ground and drown in a sea
of shame and of worry, because strangers don’t know
that in my head I burry, thousand thoughts I can’t show.

So when they get up, I look to the right
I loot at my coffee, until they’re out of my sight.
I won’t get to show them how unique I might be
They won’t get to see the ‘real me’.
And when I get up, I’ll never see
that the girl on my right
lifts her head,

just like me.

I don’t want to
write about
the weight of
the air,
but it is
just so
heavy,
it pushes
my eyelids down.

Do I give more
than I take
or get?
Or is that just an
image I like.

I have forgotten everything
What do I like again?

I have become
static and
the world is
boisterous.
I don’t want to
write about
my life
underwater,
but what is there
to write about,
besides my feelings?

Do I take more
than there is?
I am forgetting
how to live
Am I becomming
a narcissist?

Why do I need so much?
Why is a clear sky not enough?

The air is too
heavy
can someone
carry it
with me
please?
Or do I then
carry
twice as much?

I am on pause
I don’t take anything
at all
yet I take everything
there is.

Why is the air so heavy?
Shouldn’t things be light underwater?

I don’t want to
write about myself
yet I can’t stop
writing about
myself.

I am taking
and getting
all there is.

Why is it not enough?
Why is it never enough?

I don’t want to
write about
the weight of
the air,
but it is
just so
heavy

Let me talk to you. Should we forget she exists, for a minute? You couldn’t do that, she fills your head, like I wish I could. We have a certain vibe though, you can see that, can’t you? Let me talk to you, I like having you around. I laugh a little more when you’re here. Do I sound desperate yet? Do you know? I want to kiss you. I don’t want to keep wishing you are real. What I see is not a dream or a wish I want so bad that I tricked myself into believing it is real.
From my side there is something here, I don’t know how it is for you. But ‘it’ wasn’t or isn’t enough, or you don’t realize ‘it’. She is thinner, prettier, mabye it is easier with her.
Or you just don’t like me like that.
But let me talk to you, let me tell you something.
I don’t think I miss you. You are an unanswered maybe. A ‘what could have been’. A ‘what if’, that I have never pursued. I am too late now.
But maybe that is fine. Maybe a little mystery does not harm anyone, at all.
Let’s not talk about it,
Let me talk to someone else.

How freakishly easy it is, life, objectively, it is a game a child understands.

But we have this brain and these feelings and these thoughts. We feel unwanted and unloved, we feel alone because we are too afraid of being together. We are so clustered by news and forget to see it as more than letters. We feel hopeless and sad and long for arms that hold us, but at the same time are so sure we can stand on our own two feet. We want to be the best and don’t look at how together is better, because we are self-obsessed, but feel we are always fatter. We can’t look at ourselves, yet can’t stop thinking about ourselves either. We are together in our loneliness but to form a group causes a brain fever. We are looking for love but find it when we are not. We see people as numbers and are afraid of them, but not of our best friend. We search for a purpose but forget to do the rest, live our life, we are too stressed. Have multiple burn-outs but are still money obsessed, because we need it to live and if we don’t live all that is left is looking for love, which we won’t find that way

We feel alone, but there are so many of us, connected through our phone, no politics we discuss, mindlessly we scroll through Instagram and worry about the next exam. We feel lost as if we do not belong here, but we know that there is no other place to go near. So we settle and sigh with a ‘this will do’. We keep waiting for more but there is never a clue. We want to be a team, because aren’t we animals that are social? But we fail so often, maybe we already are too global. Because our town, our city, our country is never enough, we need to see the world to feel tough.

We so desperately try to fill our time with smiles and some gold, with power to hold. We want love, we wat compassion, tenderness and romance, yet are left without passion in a world that is into finance. I dare us to be tender, to break down our walls. Stop being these pretenders, with these big hairy balls. Let us be soft like a puppy and kind like a bee, lets hug a bit more often, let’s not flee. Perhaps if we stop running from all that touches us, we’ll hear the bees buzzing and stop worrying about the fuss. Perhaps then we’ll finally see the game the children understand, maybe we’ll feel free and remember our dreams we had planned.

Life is easy, objectively, but we are too afraid to stop for just a second to actually watch and not just see.