Over the course of the last week, I have been feeling restless. An aching feeling is tingling through my body. I have felt it before, but this time it stayed. Of course it is a longing, I want to be done with school and start my summer vacation, now that I am planning it, I want to stroll through small towns in Italy, enjoy the flowers, the green surroundings, the sea, the sun and the beautiful vibe Italy gives you. But it isn’t just longing for more vitamin D. I want to do something. I look around and I feel powerless. I hear about awful things happening thousand of miles away from me and there is nothing I can do. I see how the environment is slowly worsening, I see it everywhere around me and although I really want to do something, my whole body is aching to do something, I don’t feel like I can. Because I have this comfortable life and I can eat less meat and be more careful when it comes to plastic, but because I haven’t fully educated myself on the topic, I am basically useless.

I want to be a writer, I want to write poems, stories and maybe even screenplays. But it is all fiction, I love to dive in a story which I have made up, in which anything can happen, because I decide to make it happen. And I love that, I still want to do that, but lately, over the course of last week, I have been feeling like I could do more. Can I write and do good? Can I make the world a little better while I am writing? Of course I can be a journalist, but I don’t want to do that. I want to be green, I want the environment to be better, but I am just not sure how I can do that. Lately I have been following Jack Harries on instagram, he is a great example of a wonderful human being, taking pictures and through that trying to show the world, show us, what is happening and how we can help. He is taking something he loves doing and using it to make the world a better place. I guess that lately, I have been feeling too unproductive if I just write stories. As if I am not using my full potential. And I know I am young and I don’t have to decide what exactly I want to do, but I know I want to put this aching feeling to use and I think the first step is to educate myself, so I guess that is what I am going to do.

I think I am very close to freaking out. My days are currently filled with exams, tomorrow is my last one and I once again realize how much being in school is putting me down. I don’t know if it is my laziness or the fact that I am not doing what I like, but I seem to have no motivation whatsoever to study. It seems like I just don’t really care, but I am not sure why, because I do care. I care a lot actually, because getting my degree is my only chance of getting out of here and doing something I like. And I hate that I am moping around so much, because, in the end, these exams aren’t so hard, I just need to stop being so incredible lazy. I have no concentration and struggle to sit still for more than ten minutes, which is crazy. It is just a mind-set I need to get into. I need to actually focus for an half hour and then I’ll be in the right zone to study. The problem is, is that when I am not studying, I am still not productive, I don’t read, I don’t write, I just do nothing, lay on my floor and scroll through facebook or instagram, which is just ridiculous. I get nothing out of it and I am just wasting my time. And I hate the consequences, I hate the bad marks, but I somehow still do not change anything. Why am I sitting here right now, typing this dumb, full of self-pity, article when I could be studying French? What is my actual problem? Because at the end of the day, I know it isn’t that it is all so damn uninteresting, it plays a part sure, but the real reason is that I am just lazy. Lazy at my core and I am not really sure why. Maybe I stopped caring, but then again, that isn’t really true either, I do want to get good marks, I just hope that just happens, without putting an effort into anything.

I have thought a lot about what kind of person I want to be and I want to be the person that works until they get what they want, but even though I want to be that and in theory it seems lovely, every time I sit down and want to study, something in my brain just locks and starts repeating over and over again, that I don’t want to study. All fine and well, but sometimes you need to do things you don’t want to do and I guess I need to get it through my head that if I ever want to get somewhere remotely succesful, I need to put in a lot of work and need to stop thinking about how I want to do a lot of work. I guess ‘do, don’t tell’ is something I should actually, start following.