Alcohol is often used to escape your daily life. To make yourself numb, to have a good time. Integrated in our culture it is common to have a beer if you want to have a good time. It disconnects you from the stress of your day to day life and lets you focus on your time now. Last night I was on my way of getting drunk, it takes about two beers for me normally, but yesterday I kept thinking how sober I still was. Maybe because everyone around me was so drunk, or maybe because I wasn’t feeling happier, stress-free or numb. So I drank more, because that is what you are ought to do, and I also wanted to feel the slight buzz. I was standing at this ‘party’ where I didn’t know anyone, besides a few faces that looked vaguely familiar. So, because I did not want to stand in a corner looking at the beer in my hand, I bravely walked towards the familiar faces and started a conversation. They were obviously a lot drunker than I was, which made me feel good. When you are at a party it is always best to not be the drunkest person there. A slight buzz was creeping into my body and I tried to focus on the words that came out of the person in front of me. It was fun at first, we had some things in common and we could extend our conversation beyond the usual small talk, but after a while I started to notice that this guy wanted to talk about drugs more than anything else. I shifted my focus on different people, but even though I am such an extrovert, I am not good at parties. Eventually I had a conversation that sparked my interest, but mid-way conversation I saw eyes shifting their focus behind me, next to my, anywhere but me. To be in a conversation you don’t want to be in is annoying, you start to look around for someone you know and can turn to. To be in a conversation the other person doesn’t want to be in is not annoying, it is quite hurtful. Maybe it was the alcohol that had fuelled my self-doubt, or I was right and the people I find interesting find no interest in me. I went inside, the loud music, ‘Angels’ by Robbie Williams, blasted into my ears, that would do my tinnitus no good, by the way. I looked around, had lost all familiar faces and couldn’t really talk to anyone with this music. I walked to the toilet, thinking that I should have never come here alone. I tried to make some conversation at the line for the toilets, -why do girls need to pee so often- but people had their own groups, they did not feel the necessity of talking to strangers. Am I only an extrovert because I cannot be alone? Am I only an extrovert because I am lonely? I went to pee and without saying goodbye to anyone I grabbed my bicycle and went home. Ate some fries before arriving, because my drunken brain told me to do so. Apparently I was drunker than I thought. So I sat outside the place where I got my fries, on chairs that were still wet from the showers of rain earlier today. I looked at the intersection, and suddenly felt disconnected the way alcohol disconnects you. Not the good kind, the lonely kind. I tried not to cry, because the image of crying alone at an intersection in the middle of the night while eating fries was not one I would like to have experienced. So I held back the tears – they weren’t ‘proper’ tears anyway – and cycled home.

When I woke up the next morning, I could still feel traces of the loneliness I had felt the night before, but I put a filter of relativity over last night and felt alright again. The feeling of loneliness among a crowd has often been described the loneliest of all. It is strange how such an intense feeling can just float away after some time. Humans can stand through almost anything, if you give it time. I don’t mean this in a cliché kind of way, as in ‘time heals you’, obviously that is not true. You need to work on yourself if you feel insecure or depressed or anything permanent. But feelings are good at putting on a mask and often feel very permanent, when they aren’t really. The loneliness I felt yesterday made me feel as if I would be alone forever, it let me spiral into thoughts that seem like conspiracy theories now. When I woke up this morning, I still felt a little sad, and a little alone and waking up in my bed without anyone next to me did not help necessarily, but I also felt silly for feeling so lonely. I felt dumb that I let my insecurities ruin my good mood for the evening. And even though eating those fries yesterday evening is still something I am not particularly proud of, I also know that the seven hours of sleep I got, made all that feel very far away.

My first year at university is coming to an end, which feels bizarre to say. At the end of each academic (school) year I seem to lose my motivation. I long for vacation so much that I already act as if it had started. I have been reading a little bit about the mental state of the student and I find myself surprised how many burn-outs there are. Am I the only one feeling that I am not doing enough at all? (and still pass every subject up until now) Or is that part of the problem? If we constantly have the feeling that we are not doing enough, we might work until we try to find a moment, where we are satisfied with the amount of work we are doing, which is never. I think it has something to do with the way I was brought up. My father always said that I should do the best I can do, because to do more is simply impossible. Is this why I am so incredibly lazy?

I dread being lazy, but recently I found it to be positive as well. I see some of the students around me that are so stressed by exams that they cannot sleep anymore. That seems absolutely ridiculous, learning at university should not be something to feel nauseous about, it should excite you. Yes, exams can be quite stressful and I am not saying that I am never caught up in exam-stress, however, I decide to not let it rule my life, because it is simply not worth it. The good grade is not worth the nausea, sleep deprivation and nervousness.  I would rather study a little bit less and be more effective, or just study less and be more healthy. The stress levels university students reach seem insane to me.

I know that it is not that easily done. I work once a week, do a university course that is fairly light when talking about workload and I am not in any sports teams. I have made it easy for myself and the result is that I am more than often bored, which is the other end of the spectrum. Of course, that is not ideal, that is why I am starting a second bachelor next year, however, even next year I will not have sleepless nights because I needed to finish studying for that exam; that cannot be the way we receive our bachelors diploma.

I don’t know if the stress and burn-outs have gone up, because more people decided to speak up about, or because life as a student is a lot more stressful now, than fifteen years ago, but it is worrisome nonetheless. A burn-out at any age is horrible, but in our twenties we should be figuring things out: ourselves, our future, our passions. We should have the space and time to do just that. We should be full of energy and hungry to learn more about the world. Education seems to have lost its core goal: educating people. It has turned into a diploma serving machine, as without a diploma it is almost impossible to function in this society. The consequences of this, are not only that diplomas are becoming more and more worthless (and to be the top, people thus have to work twice as had), but also that the level at universities falls drastically.

So, what is a solution? How can students prevent themselves from having a burn-out while still receiving a valuable education. The only thing I can think of, is to slow down the pace. Give students more time to make mistakes, let them plan their own time, give them the freedom to show up to class, or to not at all, but do not kick them out immediately if they do not. When arriving at a university we are all still children. Give us more time for mistakes during our student years. I am aware that this is expensive, so I propose another option. Do not pressure us to go to university. I recently spoke to a guy from Sweden, who told me that in Sweden it takes students years to go to university. The pressure to study immediately after school does not exist there. What is the point in studying if you are not truly committed to your subject? We should slow down our rush to want to study and first make some mistakes. Get some experience in the work field, do some internships (and be accepted at these internships!) Know what the ‘outside’ world looks like, before specializing in a field. With that I do not mean go find yourself in Australia, because I do not believe that backpacking in Australia is going to provide you with many answers, but try something creative. Make music, write stories, try to set up a business. Do all the things you might not have time for when you are going to study and eventually work. Universities will not run away, your youth will. And it is quite nice to avoid a burn-out, right?

I turned nineteen two days ago, which means I only have one more year left being a ‘teen’. I used to love growing up, I could not wait until I was a university student and I have always felt that I was older than I truly was. While I was still in high school I firmly believed everything would make sense if I would go to university and I am starting to have the tendency now, to believe that once I have a job, everything will fall into place. So, I was in a massive rush to grow up. To grow older and experience more, to be able to do more. I was curious about life and too easily bored by the phase of life I was in. Days before my birthday this sense of excitement sneaked into my body and once it was the second of January I wanted all the attention to be on me. On how I was another year older. I needed compliments, lovely letters and loving friends and family surrounding me. Perhaps I needed a confirmation of some sort, that I was doing well, that I was a good person.

This year I had not realised my birthday was coming up already. For some time now I have had the feeling that I am standing still. Everywhere around me friends tell me these exciting stories about all of their new experiences and people they have met. Even though I met some lovely people, I definitely would consider new friends, that have inspired me; I miss excitement. I miss smiling so much that my cheeks hurt because my new life in a new city is really pulling me in. I like my life there, but I think back to my life in high school quite often. I am currently in my hometown and I do not feel a deeply rooted desire to return back to my student life, apart from wanting to see some new friends I made there. The question always remains if I feel this numb, because my life is not that exciting or if there is something else going on. Maybe it takes a lot in order for me to be completely be blown away by something. Perhaps I am not that easily excited.

I know I should try a little harder. I have my life in my own hands. I have always been bad with pressure, sometimes I need to in order to function, but once it is too much I hide in a corner and pretend to be asleep instead of dealing with it. Knowing that I can do anything I like has maybe caused a little too much pressure and turning nineteen maybe made me feel as if my student years a slowly slipping away, and I am not enjoying them like I could. I need to spend my time doing more of what I want to and not think of everything I am supposed to do or be.

Perhaps not needing all the attention on my birthday is a sign of growing up. Or it is a sign of confidence, maybe I do not need all the reassurance of my friends and family, maybe I can find that within myself, which perhaps is also a sign of growing up. I understand why I have been in a such a rush to grow up and see and feel new things, yet I also understand why being a child is fun. Being the centre of attention for a whole day without feeling uncomfortable is fun. Being excited by everything around you is fun. Not having the enormous pressure of creating your own life is fun. Maybe being a grown up means feeling more, having it more complicated and I am glad that with nineteen I am aware of how young I am and I am afraid that my student years will slip away. Because then, I know I will at least try to make them memorable.

‘things could be stranger, but I don’t know how’. Lyrics from the song ‘changes’ by Langhorne Slim and The Law. A string of words, very simple, that describe perfectly what I am feeling at the moment. I am in this new city, living in a different city and everything is different, I am starting to fall into this ‘routine’ which isn’t a routine yet. And every time I cycle through this city, I feel excitment, fear and for some reason peace inside me. Even though I expected to feel some nostalgia, to long for a life that now does not exist anymore, strangely enough, I do that rarely. While I was still in high school, I always wished to be in 2013 again, still careless and clueless, but I feel good here, and in a strange way, I feel at home.

That it affects me not all that much does scare me though. What if feeling at home means that I have become just cynical, or not that excited anymore? What if I stopped longing for the best and just accepted to settle. What if that is what growing up is? I am terrified to lose my inner child. The girl who is utterly excited about everything. The girl who wants to dress in flowy dresses and wear polka dots. The girl who gets scared when she watches a horror movie, the girl who is a clumsy clueless girl, yet so curious. The girl who is so excited about the world and its people in it. The one that isn’t scared to talk to people. The attention loving, not afraid of anything, fierce girl who just wants be cool. What if she is slowly fading and there is nothing that I can do? What part of yourself do you have to bury in order for you to grow? What part stops existing so you can become a functioning adult? All of it? I am happy here, but I do feel that maybe, I am losing myself a little bit, but maybe that is necessary in order to grow. An perhaps that doesn’t mean you will lose your inner child. Cause it still is my own life and I think that I ccan decide if I want to be my fierce inner child or if I want to grow up.

For now, I should see it as a good thing that I feel happy here. That I don’t desire a different life and maybe growing up engenders a more cynical person, but I still get to decide that, I hope.

I moved. I am now in this completely new city, in which everything is different and nothing familiar. I knew the city, had been here often, before I moved here, but still, now that I actually live here, it feels weird, as if I am some sort of intruder, as if I am living a ‘fake’ life, as if I am not allowed to live here. As if I am still too much of child to actually live on my own.

It doesn’t feel like home and I know that is normal and I know that it will come soon, but right now, it doesn’t. It feels surreal that I live here now, that I am not going back to my old home in a few weeks and that I actually have to buy my own food now, that I need make sure I keep on living and that is my own responibility, there is no one anymore who looking out for me, I have to fix my own shit now and I am happy about that. I am ready for it, I think. But right now everything feels overwhelming and when things feel overwhelming I tend to shut down. I just sit in a corner or in my bed and stop functioning, as if my battery is dead. I am not good with confrontation, I am the worst at being organized and I am extremely lazy. So I push everything away from me, because that is what I always do if I need to do all sorts of important things. I push it away and hide in my, not fully furnished room, which doesn’t feel like my room, because well, I have been living here ten days now.

And it is not really that I live in a different city what is bothering me. I have never cared all that much about the place, I care about the people and a room is just a room for me, a house is just a house and I surprise myself when I say that, because I grew up in my last room and yet I don’t miss it, I didn’t feel sad about leaving it in a different city. It is just materialistic and even though I feel sad about leaving a lot of people, I know that the life I will be missing is gone, when I go back to my old city, it isn’t there, waiting for me, because all my friends have moved on as well, there will just be my house and for some reason I don’t have a lot of feelings attachted to it. Which I am grateful for, it means that for me home isn’t a place, and that means it is going to be easy for me to move around, if I would want to do so.

Despite not missing my house, or my city, I have been feeling a little gloomy. Because as I said, I need to do a lot of things and, I have been shutting off and when I shut off, it empties me a little. I am the happiest when I am out, meeting friends, doing things, and when I am at home in bed, it makes me more tired and just, like I said, a little gloomy. Now, I know that I have my own life in my hands, I can get up and stop sitting on my bed and go out and meet people. I can do that, yet for some reason, I don’t. For some reason the lazy part of me always has the upper hand and for some reason I have been fine with it. See, I have lived in this day to day life, where I just went to school had my activities, saw my friends, without effor because they were all in the same place. So for the most part, I didn’t really have to try at anything, the day was just handed to me. And I think I need some readjusting now that, that isn’t the case anymore. It is now totally up to me, what I do with my time. If I want to see friends, I actually have to go out and meet them. If I want to have a band, I should go and get myself a band. Yes, there are still some classes I need to attend but the rest is up to me. So I need to ask myself the question, what do I want to use my energy for? Good grades, my writing, music, acting, singing, journalism, friends, going out, running, hockey again maybe? I still need to figure out what to do exactly and the first thing I need to do, is get up from my bed and actually do something, the rest will follow.

I have two days of school left and then it is over, I will (hopefully) never return to my school again. It has left me quite emotional as one can imagine and it made me hate myself for wasting so many days when I was checking the time every second. I didn’t appreciate how lovely school actually is. You have no worries whatsoever, you just go to the place filled with your favourite people, every day. Everything is done for you, all you have to do is pass your exams. Now don’t get me wrong, I am utterly excited to start university next year and I could not go another year to high school, but right now, my brain is drained with nostalgia and every time I look at the grey walls, the red bricks and the brown chairs of my school I just feel love and warmth. It is as if everything that used to be ugly and dull and I used to hate so much, now seems beautiful. I just want to stop the time and look around for a bit, so I can truly let everything sink in, to make sure I won’t forget everything here.

Time has passed so quickly this last year, it still feels as if it were October. It makes me worry that I did not enjoy high school enough. I have been saying I want to start university ever since I was fourteen, so maybe I never truly was with my head in high school. While typing this, I know that it isn’t true. Because if time passes by quickly, it means that you had fun. And if I had fun, that means I did enjoy it enough. It means that I have built lifelong friendships and memories. And those people are the things I will truly miss, not the grey walls or brown chairs, those objects may spark the nostalgia nestled within me, but in the end they will only trigger me, those memories within the walls are what really matters and I am not leaving those.

I have said that I wanted to leave high school since I was about fourteen and now that I am actually leaving high school, I guess it wasn’t so bad after all. But that is nothing new. I have heard everyone say everything I just described. I spoke to my friends and all of them feel this way. In your last year you will move in a different flow than the rest of the school, which makes you more connected to everyone in your year and in the end, you will love and miss everyone. Cause I know that the ones I find so annoying now, are also people I will remember and I will miss their annoyance. And isn’t that the best way to leave high school: with love and warmth for everyone and everything around you. We all want to leave on a positive note, so we can start a new life and although right this second I am not quite ready to do so, I know I will be in three months.

I don’t want to write about how much or how little I am feeling anymore. Everytime a ‘poem’ floats out of my fingers, I feel awful typing it. I am pretentious. How can I call my own writings poems? How dare I publish anything online if I don’t know if it is good? Why do I think people should take me seriously? I am just a teenager crying for help, but not really, because I am a dramaqueen.
I was.
I was a fucking pretentious teeny, trying to be ‘deep’ by writing how much pain she had, while she was leading a perfectly comfortable life. And I am desperately trying to get away from that image, but by trying, I feel like I am getting closer to it, rather than stepping away from it. I have heard two times in the last week that I am ‘ a little too much with my poems’. ‘Do you really want to call your writings poems.’ ‘Hey, I got a great subreddit for you: ‘fourteen year old girls writing ‘deep’ things.”
I have a feeling I am at this awkward age, where I am not taking seriously at all and when I say I want to be a writer, I know that people look at me and think that I have enough time to realize that being a writer is impossible, I will understand how the ‘real’ world works soon enough. And those people are right. I am not throwing ‘shade’ at them, because I need them so that I won’t completely drown in my own world of writing things. I need rational human beings that say, I am pretentious and my poems do suck, because sometimes they do.

I write so much and I have kept it hidden for such a long time that I want to splurr everything out there right away now. Once I have written something I am proud of, which I think is actually good, actually says something, I want to show it to everybody around me and I feel like at the moment, I have been shoving my writings into everyone’s face, when they haven’t asked for it, causing me two feel two sided and very selfish. See, I want to show my poems, I want a reaction, good or bad, but I know people will eventually get sick of me. So what should I do? Should I keep my mouth shut, wait for them to ask me? Should I quietly post everything on here, until someone finds it and says something. No. I don’t want to do that, when I am excited about something, I want to share it with the entire world and I think it is great thing that I am not ashamed of my writings anymore. But I need to learn to filter. Not everything is great. I need to put my poem away for a few days and if I still think it is good then, I will show it people. I shouldn’t write something and immediatly show it to everyone, because more than often, it isn’t a great poem.

I guess it is also important for me to understand the core of why I am writing again. It isn’t to produce some lovely sounding words, but it is because I want to get something of my chest. I don’t know how to say it, how to talk to someone, so I just write it down, more than often in the format of a poem. Writing is essential to me, because it is my ‘waterfall’. I just write and once it has been written, I don’t have to think about it anymore. Once the water has fallen, it won’t climb back up again. I have learned to speak to people and thus also show my writings, which tend to be a little personal and I hate to talk about personal stuff. Maybe by showing people my writings, it is a way of saying that I want to talk about personal things, I just get uncomfortable if I have a direct conversation about. Then again, I also just really want a pat on the back and the latter is something, I should not want so much.

I want to be a writer, I really do and being vulnerable is important, but it is also important to filter the good writing from the bad writing before shoving it up in anyone’s face.