I don’t want to write about how much or how little I am feeling anymore. Everytime a ‘poem’ floats out of my fingers, I feel awful typing it. I am pretentious. How can I call my own writings poems? How dare I publish anything online if I don’t know if it is good? Why do I think people should take me seriously? I am just a teenager crying for help, but not really, because I am a dramaqueen.
I was.
I was a fucking pretentious teeny, trying to be ‘deep’ by writing how much pain she had, while she was leading a perfectly comfortable life. And I am desperately trying to get away from that image, but by trying, I feel like I am getting closer to it, rather than stepping away from it. I have heard two times in the last week that I am ‘ a little too much with my poems’. ‘Do you really want to call your writings poems.’ ‘Hey, I got a great subreddit for you: ‘fourteen year old girls writing ‘deep’ things.”
I have a feeling I am at this awkward age, where I am not taking seriously at all and when I say I want to be a writer, I know that people look at me and think that I have enough time to realize that being a writer is impossible, I will understand how the ‘real’ world works soon enough. And those people are right. I am not throwing ‘shade’ at them, because I need them so that I won’t completely drown in my own world of writing things. I need rational human beings that say, I am pretentious and my poems do suck, because sometimes they do.

I write so much and I have kept it hidden for such a long time that I want to splurr everything out there right away now. Once I have written something I am proud of, which I think is actually good, actually says something, I want to show it to everybody around me and I feel like at the moment, I have been shoving my writings into everyone’s face, when they haven’t asked for it, causing me two feel two sided and very selfish. See, I want to show my poems, I want a reaction, good or bad, but I know people will eventually get sick of me. So what should I do? Should I keep my mouth shut, wait for them to ask me? Should I quietly post everything on here, until someone finds it and says something. No. I don’t want to do that, when I am excited about something, I want to share it with the entire world and I think it is great thing that I am not ashamed of my writings anymore. But I need to learn to filter. Not everything is great. I need to put my poem away for a few days and if I still think it is good then, I will show it people. I shouldn’t write something and immediatly show it to everyone, because more than often, it isn’t a great poem.

I guess it is also important for me to understand the core of why I am writing again. It isn’t to produce some lovely sounding words, but it is because I want to get something of my chest. I don’t know how to say it, how to talk to someone, so I just write it down, more than often in the format of a poem. Writing is essential to me, because it is my ‘waterfall’. I just write and once it has been written, I don’t have to think about it anymore. Once the water has fallen, it won’t climb back up again. I have learned to speak to people and thus also show my writings, which tend to be a little personal and I hate to talk about personal stuff. Maybe by showing people my writings, it is a way of saying that I want to talk about personal things, I just get uncomfortable if I have a direct conversation about. Then again, I also just really want a pat on the back and the latter is something, I should not want so much.

I want to be a writer, I really do and being vulnerable is important, but it is also important to filter the good writing from the bad writing before shoving it up in anyone’s face.

Over the course of the last week, I have been feeling restless. An aching feeling is tingling through my body. I have felt it before, but this time it stayed. Of course it is a longing, I want to be done with school and start my summer vacation, now that I am planning it, I want to stroll through small towns in Italy, enjoy the flowers, the green surroundings, the sea, the sun and the beautiful vibe Italy gives you. But it isn’t just longing for more vitamin D. I want to do something. I look around and I feel powerless. I hear about awful things happening thousand of miles away from me and there is nothing I can do. I see how the environment is slowly worsening, I see it everywhere around me and although I really want to do something, my whole body is aching to do something, I don’t feel like I can. Because I have this comfortable life and I can eat less meat and be more careful when it comes to plastic, but because I haven’t fully educated myself on the topic, I am basically useless.

I want to be a writer, I want to write poems, stories and maybe even screenplays. But it is all fiction, I love to dive in a story which I have made up, in which anything can happen, because I decide to make it happen. And I love that, I still want to do that, but lately, over the course of last week, I have been feeling like I could do more. Can I write and do good? Can I make the world a little better while I am writing? Of course I can be a journalist, but I don’t want to do that. I want to be green, I want the environment to be better, but I am just not sure how I can do that. Lately I have been following Jack Harries on instagram, he is a great example of a wonderful human being, taking pictures and through that trying to show the world, show us, what is happening and how we can help. He is taking something he loves doing and using it to make the world a better place. I guess that lately, I have been feeling too unproductive if I just write stories. As if I am not using my full potential. And I know I am young and I don’t have to decide what exactly I want to do, but I know I want to put this aching feeling to use and I think the first step is to educate myself, so I guess that is what I am going to do.

I think I am very close to freaking out. My days are currently filled with exams, tomorrow is my last one and I once again realize how much being in school is putting me down. I don’t know if it is my laziness or the fact that I am not doing what I like, but I seem to have no motivation whatsoever to study. It seems like I just don’t really care, but I am not sure why, because I do care. I care a lot actually, because getting my degree is my only chance of getting out of here and doing something I like. And I hate that I am moping around so much, because, in the end, these exams aren’t so hard, I just need to stop being so incredible lazy. I have no concentration and struggle to sit still for more than ten minutes, which is crazy. It is just a mind-set I need to get into. I need to actually focus for an half hour and then I’ll be in the right zone to study. The problem is, is that when I am not studying, I am still not productive, I don’t read, I don’t write, I just do nothing, lay on my floor and scroll through facebook or instagram, which is just ridiculous. I get nothing out of it and I am just wasting my time. And I hate the consequences, I hate the bad marks, but I somehow still do not change anything. Why am I sitting here right now, typing this dumb, full of self-pity, article when I could be studying French? What is my actual problem? Because at the end of the day, I know it isn’t that it is all so damn uninteresting, it plays a part sure, but the real reason is that I am just lazy. Lazy at my core and I am not really sure why. Maybe I stopped caring, but then again, that isn’t really true either, I do want to get good marks, I just hope that just happens, without putting an effort into anything.

I have thought a lot about what kind of person I want to be and I want to be the person that works until they get what they want, but even though I want to be that and in theory it seems lovely, every time I sit down and want to study, something in my brain just locks and starts repeating over and over again, that I don’t want to study. All fine and well, but sometimes you need to do things you don’t want to do and I guess I need to get it through my head that if I ever want to get somewhere remotely succesful, I need to put in a lot of work and need to stop thinking about how I want to do a lot of work. I guess ‘do, don’t tell’ is something I should actually, start following.