I moved. I am now in this completely new city, in which everything is different and nothing familiar. I knew the city, had been here often, before I moved here, but still, now that I actually live here, it feels weird, as if I am some sort of intruder, as if I am living a ‘fake’ life, as if I am not allowed to live here. As if I am still too much of child to actually live on my own.

It doesn’t feel like home and I know that is normal and I know that it will come soon, but right now, it doesn’t. It feels surreal that I live here now, that I am not going back to my old home in a few weeks and that I actually have to buy my own food now, that I need make sure I keep on living and that is my own responibility, there is no one anymore who looking out for me, I have to fix my own shit now and I am happy about that. I am ready for it, I think. But right now everything feels overwhelming and when things feel overwhelming I tend to shut down. I just sit in a corner or in my bed and stop functioning, as if my battery is dead. I am not good with confrontation, I am the worst at being organized and I am extremely lazy. So I push everything away from me, because that is what I always do if I need to do all sorts of important things. I push it away and hide in my, not fully furnished room, which doesn’t feel like my room, because well, I have been living here ten days now.

And it is not really that I live in a different city what is bothering me. I have never cared all that much about the place, I care about the people and a room is just a room for me, a house is just a house and I surprise myself when I say that, because I grew up in my last room and yet I don’t miss it, I didn’t feel sad about leaving it in a different city. It is just materialistic and even though I feel sad about leaving a lot of people, I know that the life I will be missing is gone, when I go back to my old city, it isn’t there, waiting for me, because all my friends have moved on as well, there will just be my house and for some reason I don’t have a lot of feelings attachted to it. Which I am grateful for, it means that for me home isn’t a place, and that means it is going to be easy for me to move around, if I would want to do so.

Despite not missing my house, or my city, I have been feeling a little gloomy. Because as I said, I need to do a lot of things and, I have been shutting off and when I shut off, it empties me a little. I am the happiest when I am out, meeting friends, doing things, and when I am at home in bed, it makes me more tired and just, like I said, a little gloomy. Now, I know that I have my own life in my hands, I can get up and stop sitting on my bed and go out and meet people. I can do that, yet for some reason, I don’t. For some reason the lazy part of me always has the upper hand and for some reason I have been fine with it. See, I have lived in this day to day life, where I just went to school had my activities, saw my friends, without effor because they were all in the same place. So for the most part, I didn’t really have to try at anything, the day was just handed to me. And I think I need some readjusting now that, that isn’t the case anymore. It is now totally up to me, what I do with my time. If I want to see friends, I actually have to go out and meet them. If I want to have a band, I should go and get myself a band. Yes, there are still some classes I need to attend but the rest is up to me. So I need to ask myself the question, what do I want to use my energy for? Good grades, my writing, music, acting, singing, journalism, friends, going out, running, hockey again maybe? I still need to figure out what to do exactly and the first thing I need to do, is get up from my bed and actually do something, the rest will follow.