This time of the year is always very stressful, particulary this year with it being my last year and all, but I feel good. Very goody actually, energised and ready for what is to come. But to be completely honest, my emotions have been all over the place, so my mood could change soon enough. For now I feel great. Ready for my life, ready to focuse, ready to work and ready to write. I finally feel like I have control over my own life, something I have never truly felt before and it makes me so happy. I am the only person who controls my life and I am the only one that is allowed to boss around, because I am the boss. It is totally up to me how I live it and it is time to start taking some action to improve my life. It is the first time in my life where I am actually ‘doing what I want’. To some sort of extent of course, because I still am going to school. I still need to do all the shit that I am supposed to do. But at the same time, I am doing so much more. I am writing as much as I can, on this blog, on my Dutch blog, writing poetry, writing stories, writing songs. The latter is what I am enjoying particulary at the moment. There is just something great about scribbling down some chords and matching words with them, or the other way around.
With this new found feeling of control over my own life, there has come a massive confidence boost. I feel badass, because I feel like I am the boss. It is not as if I turned into some self-loving, hard bitch, but I am a bit more confident which feels great for a change. All the confidence leads to me singing songs all of sudden. Singing my own songs, being confident enough to actually perform them on a stage. And I know that my voice isn’t so great, it isn’t extraordinary, but isn’t as awful as I maybe think it is. It is alright, and it is fine to use while playing a song, especially a song which I wrote myself.
I want to stress the fact that I am in no way arrogant, because man am I still very insecure, but just not so insecure anymore, because I don’t feel like this scared girl, that is being pushed around so easily, any longer. I am now this insecure girl, who is taking action to improve her life and who isn’t so afraid of everything anymore. Who is just trying to get her shit together and having some fun.
I have been having a lot of fun lately, which causes a bit of lack of motivation for everything that isn’t fun. But, as long as I am aware that I am not giving it my best it is fine, I guess. I’ll work hard when the exams come, when I actuallly have to.
What I also realised is that I am much more myself. The person I am at home and the person I am at school are fusing into the same person and it feels so lovely. I finally realised that being sad won’t give me attention or a nice conversation. If I am myself, truly myself and start a conversation with someone I will get the reaction I wish for. I can steer the conversation in the direction I want, I have a great set of brains and can think for myself.

It amazes me, how much I am learning about myself, particulary this last year, I am so much more comfortable with everything and everyone around me. There are the same amount of awkward moments and they are still awkward as hell, but I am fine with it, because they are also a part of social interaction and I have to learn to deal with them.
Maybe everything I just wrote above is because I started to care less. Care less what people think of me, care less about some sort of image I have to portray. Care less and start actually talking, moving and being how I want to be how I am. A few years ago I would’ve never shown anyone my poetry, now I put them online, they are in my school newspaper, for every teacher and every student to judge and they do judge and sometimes they don’t like it and sometimes there a lot spelling mistakes or I use a word in the wrong way, because English is my third language, but I ask what is wrong, I ask what my mistakes are and correct them, I don’t get angry because someone is critising me, I want to hear it, so I can do better next time. And if someone doesn’t like what I wrote, that is fine as well. There a lot of poems I don’t like, people have different taste and it would be weird if everyone would enjoy everything I wrote.

It feels good to say I am in a place where I feel happy. To be in a place where I truly am myself and are having control over my life. I hope it stays this way.

I’ve recently come to the realisation that I am an extrovert, not an introvert.

Normally I don’t really like using these labels,cause I believe humans are a lot more complex than ‘extrovert’ or ‘introvert’. I don’t think that a person can be truly introvert, or truly extrovert. We all want some human contact at some point and we all need some time alone to think, every once in a while. That was what I thought, before I heard someone explain introvert and extrovert. She said that being introvert had nothing to do with how much time you spent with friends, or alone, it is where you gain your energy from. Is that by spending time with a lot of people, do you feel energised afterwards, or do you feel exhausted? That is how you can tell if you’re an introvert of extrovert. You can still be an extrovert and spend a lot of time alone, I believe those things do not depend on eachother. Of course they are related, but not as much as one would think, as humans are a bit too complex to categorise them that way.

So I am an extrovert. I always thought I was an introvert, but since a few months I realised that I gain so much energy when I spend my time with people I like. I am still a little shy and I do enjoy spending time alone a lot. I just need to know that at some point I am going to talk to someone again. Preferably very soon. Because even when I am home alone, I skype with my friends who live in different countries.

So what does this mean? I think it means that I function very good when people are around me. So when I am going to study in a different city, I would like to live with some other students, so my house won’t be quit and there will always be something going on. Of course silence is lovely and very much needed when in need to study for an important exam, but you can go the liberary or something like that. Cause even though you are silent, there are still other people. I think if I would live by myself, I would be hopelessly lonely and quite frankly, just utterly bored. I need people to talk to, they will motivate me, otherwise I’ll just lay in bed, watching series. This of course could also just be my lack of discipline, but then again, working with other people (on your own task, cause I am very stubborn and want to do everything my way) is much more productive for me.

It could always change, I can suddenly get exhausted by people, but for now I am not. And that all my friends live so far away from me can be very annoying sometimes.

I would like to add, that I am not great with people. I am awkward, silent in a group full of people I don’t know. I am shy and not always that great to make conversation. I am not the loudest one in my friends group, but I like to listen a lot. So I am really an extrovert then?

Maybe the concepts ‘introvert’ and ‘extrovert’ don’t really apply to a human. Maybe we are in some moments an extrovert and some an introvert. That is how I feel sometimes. At the moment I am such an extrovert, cover me with all my friends until I can’t breathe anymore. Cause maybe if  I can’t breathe anymore, i’ll turn introvert again.

So, I am starting my last year of high school in two weeks. It all hit me just now. There is going to be one year left, one year with the faces I’ve known for twelve years. One more year in the building I know every corner of. One more year, sitting in class, listening to the teachers I know so well now. One more year of the subjects I am not going to be pursuing in uni. But this year is not only a year of doing things for the last time, it is also time for doing things the first time. Applying for university, graduate and being the oldest in my school.

I can’t quite wrap my head around the idea that this really is the last year I am going to be spending every single day with all these people, with all my friends. It is bizarre that my whole world is going to be different and in two weeks, the last year in my ‘old’/’normal’ world is going to start. Maybe I am exaggerating, but that is how it feels.

Do not get me wrong, I am utterly excited for this last year. I feel like it is going to be the most fun year of my whole school time, but I am just curious as to how I am exactly going to feel. I have been dreaming about this year, mostly the end of this year, for so long now and I am just very curious if the realitly matches my daydreams. Becaus if I think rationally about it, I know it isn’t going to. I tend to overromantisize the student life. I have this weird belief that everything is going to be alright the moment I am starting at uni, but that is not the truth. I am me, and I am not going to change, even if I am going to study somewhere else, in a completely different environment, I am still the same person. And of course, I am going to change a little bit, but there is this base, this first layer of Babette that isn’t going to change, because that is what makes me, me. So of course all my problems aren’t going to go anywhere if I am going to university. I need to make an effort if I want my problems to dissapear. Things are going to be different, but it isn’t going to be all great and lovely, I am still a human and I am going to struggle. And I am quite excited to learn how.

As to want I want to study: English literature. I want to analyze books, discover the deeper meaning in a sentence or the usage of a specific word. I want to read a lot and learn about literature. Even though I only have had Dutch literature at my school, I do know that I am going to like it, at least, I think I am going to like it, because you can never know for sure. But it feels right to choose a subject I am passionate about and interested in and frankly also quite good at. (At least at Dutch lit) But we will see how that part of my life unfolds, I still have one year in which a lot can happen.

This schoolyear is going to be the first schoolyear where I won’t be playing fieldhockey. As the ride to my training is about one and a half hour, I decide to quit in my last year. I am sad about it, but I am also relieved that I don’t have to sit in the train for a two hour training for so damn long. Since I won’t be playing fieldhockey, I will need to discipline myself to actually go jogging. I am naturally quite lazy, so that is going to be a challenge, but we will see how that goes.

I am also going to try to pass my Cambridge and Delf exam next year, so that is some extra work I will need to focus on. Besides of course my actual subjects in which I am graduating. It would be convient if I would work hard on them too.

At least I know I am going to be busy this year. It is the last sprint until the finish and I can’t wait to finally really start using my legs to run.