Waiting for food: ‘The pantry is my family’

This piece is part of a narrative writing class at the Graduate School of Journalism of Columbia University that I took back in December.

As we rush from store to store, trying to escape the rain and the abundance of Santas that haunt New York City this time of the year, people on 109th Street, near Manhattan’s Fifth Avenue, stand still.

They are waiting for food in front of the New York Common Pantry. The queue fills half the block with people and carts. This is not their first time here, they know that the bags they are about to receive are easier to take home in a cart. While you can’t exactly call it social distancing, people give each other space, and a feeling of calm prevails as the line moves on slowly. Rattling metal shelves and Spanish music played on a large speaker mix together into background noise. Although most of the people on line are on the older side, some children queue alongside their parent (almost always singular). Some are sitting on chairs, others grouped together, talking and laughing, but they are all waiting.

While the holidays are always a busy time for food pantries, this year, the crowds are larger than usual. In the wake of COVID-19 and the rise of inflation, food pantries like this one have experienced an increase in people- and an increase in lines According to an analysis by Feeding America, a non-profit network of foodbanks, 1.8 million New Yorkers are currently experiencing food insecurity, that is more than 1 in 5 people living in New York City.

And the lines are growing. While the number of people in need of food has declined since the height of the pandemic, the number is still much higher than it was before 2020. According to the New York State Comptroller, prices have risen by more than 5% in October. While this number might seem low, if every item you buy has increased by just a dollar, the costs add up. And as prices in supermarkets climb, more and more people turn to food pantries.

The 109th Street pantry is small, the walls are brown and its windows are covered by bars. Next door is a tiny church called St. Edward the Martyr, which owns the building of the pantry, but that is the extent of the connection between the two, Anjali Krishnan, the pantry’s communications associate, said. Inside, the pantry feels larger. People are packing bags and cooking dinner. It is a busy place seven days a week — hunger never stops.

“We have volunteers lined up for November and December, and then there is a steep drop off in January,” said Greg Mensah, the pantry’s volunteer associate.

And while the inside of the pantry is bustling with volunteers, the people waiting, stay outside. Since its opening in 1980, the pantry has made an effort to never close its doors. As a result, the pandemic has made it impossible to continue the pantry’s services inside.

“I’m freezing,” a woman first in line says. “Yeah this is a tough process, but we try to do all we can,” the staff member replies. It is cold, and the wind feels sharp, cutting. With the cold comes the quiet; people are just waiting for their food, and the transactions are silent. “I get two,” one woman says. She is referring to the bags of food, and the staff member nods.

“Nobody walks away hungry,” one volunteer, Jose Hernandez, reassured me.

One of those in line is Ramone Ortiz. He grew up on 109th street, just a few houses down from the pantry. And while he does not live there anymore, he still comes to this pantry.

“The food here…forget about it, it’s the best,” Ortiz said.

People are waiting in line for the New York Common Pantry’s so-called ‘brown-bag distribution.’ And apart from the tinned and canned food that the pantry gives out, plastic bags filled with fruit and vegetables are also handed over to those waiting.

“Food changes based on availability and what we rescue, but a nutritionist picks out the food,” Krishnan said. However, the pantry is committed to healthy nutrition, as they want to show that it is possible to eat healthy food on a budget. The high quality has made the food pantry even more popular.

“They have good stuff…the vegetables bring me here,” said Joann Ward. She was hesitant, unsure if she had the time for a line that long today. Ward is not dependent on the pantry, but “it is a good way to save money,” she said. Ortiz, a stranger she just met, smiled at her and encouraged her to get some food.

Anyone who signed up is welcome and the process of food distribution on 109th street, looks seamless. Staff members yell out names, joke around in both Spanish and English and hand out the bags. While it seems to be working, it is not a supermarket.

Still, at the New York Common Pantry, everyone has the option to choose. In an effort to practice equity, the pantry allows everyone to choose their food online beforehand. A bag with your name waits at the pantry. Krishnan explained the pantry’s philosophy is that people have a right to nutritious and culturally relevant food; people have a right to dignity.

“[People are] just caught in an unjust system… [they] do not need to be grateful, we are doing a service, filling a gap that the government should provide,” Krishnan said.

Food pantries were once seen as temporary, but have become institutionalized over the years. That they are now a permanent part of our society has led to a debate among academics about the effectiveness of food pantries. As the pantries fill a lack, some argue that they ‘undermine’ the social safety net. By filling a gap, as Krishnan said, it might mean that political institutions don’t feel a need to provide these services themselves.

“I don’t know whether non-profits undermine the welfare state, but we shouldn’t give people food based on that,” said Matthew Maury, a researcher at Columbia’s Center on Poverty & Social Policy. He argues that the possibility of pantries hindering the welfare state “is not enough evidence to not give people food.”

Coming to a food pantry in the middle of fall, when it is cold, grey, and dark, you would expect that the faces in line match the cold days: long and gloomy. After all, people are waiting in line because they cannot afford the sustenance that keeps them alive.

A few older women grouped together and talk to each other in Spanish. While the sounds are foreign to my ears, the laughter between them makes it clear that these are not strangers. No grunts, shouts, or swearwords, laughter predominates any other sounds when you pass the line at 109.

“There is a sense of community, people come here with their friends and eat together in the park,” Krishnan said.

The time spent in a line can feel wasted. All you do is stand while seconds slowly — time always seems to move slower when waiting — pass. But the line at the pantry is filled with people who are not just passing time and waiting for their food. If you depend on the pantry, you come back to it, and as a result, you keep running into the same people. The New York Common Pantry becomes a place that is not about food alone; people meet each other and form relationships.

“Where do you run to when you don’t have family? You want to have somebody to run to. Sometimes your family is not always your family. You want to have somebody to care about you. For me, that’s the Pantry,” said a recipient of the pantry’s food and services.

On 109, a little further down the line, a man has pulled out a chair. “Go ahead love,” he says to the woman waiting in front of him. “I got too much on my backside, I think I might fall.” They, and the two women in front of her, discuss if the chair will hold her. “It looks like one of them cheap chairs,” she says. “The one I bought is $3,30… I got it from Amazon,” the owner of the chair replies. The woman, now curious, asks “what is it called?” “A collapsible stool.” As a response, she gets out her phone, types the words on her Amazon app, and shows the owner of the chair the outcome of her search.

“You got to get a good one, I need something that will last a long time,” the man says.

At (un)ease

I. Planes

angry birds of 
metallic steel 
scream swearwords at me
when I tell you how I feel

II. Trains

fluid motions
of rehearsed tracks
rock me to sleep
while I dream of
mountains on my right side 
you give me memories to keep. 

III. Automobiles 

fabricated rubber spins itself warm
while yellow lights
match the city
let’s go home, accelerate on concrete
let’s make out!
it’s mandatory in the backseat  

Feeling (/) Bodily

bury me in feathers
lift me in my skin
give me feelings to handle
put on my limbs

place my teeth
hard as stones
and soft lips to kiss

give me sweat and hair
give me something to miss 

                                                                                                                                 mold my eyes
                                                                                                                                 give my muscles extra fat
                                                                                                                                 paint a picture
                                                                                                                                 of my body
                                                                                                                                 so I'll feel
                                                                                                                                 where you spat

                                                                                                                                 circle my goosebumps
                                                                                                                                 let ink sink in
                                                                                                                                 rip my nails
                                                                                                                                 and tear my nose
                                                                                                                                 would you please
break me in. 

Stuck in limbo

Humans are paradoxical beings driven by nostalgia, fear and restlessness. We want to live in the past and future, we want change and for everything to stay the same. Why are we so indecisive? We all know, and sometimes say, the phrase that everything was better in the past. ‘Back in the days there were still real connections’ or ‘when I was little everything was so much easier’ are well-known sentiments that I also experience from time to time. On the other side of the spectrum is the sudden feeling that something has to change because we cannot go on like this any longer. Humans tend to handle the concept of time quite poorly, but why is our relationship with change also so dysfunctional?

Let’s starts with the past, often accompanied by nostalgia. How can we explain nostalgic driven politics? Romanticising the past plays a large role in its effectiveness. Seemingly, we tend to forget the flaws of history and focus on positive events. We don’t want to remember how we felt when our first relationship fell apart, rather, we want to remember the first time we fell in love. Additionally, nostalgia functions as a coping mechanism in times of social upheaval. When you feel existentially threatened, during times of social change, nostalgia gives you a familiar pillar you can hold on to[1]. Here, a link to conservatism is easy to make. Fearful of change, the stereotype conservatist feels threatened that their traditional values will soon cease to exist. However, nostalgia does not only belong to conservatists. I often find myself bound to the bitter-sweet emotion. A longing for my romanticised childhood seeps into me, while I do not care about traditional values or conservatism. Consequently, the emotion is deeply personal. This is of course a good emotion to use during political campaigns, because people are immediately invested; it makes politics personal.

Nevertheless, the feeling of nostalgia also illustrates that something in the present is lacking. The emotion is in itself paradoxical. Seemingly afraid of current change, nostalgic people want things to change, in order for them to be familiar again. People vote for parties that are not in power because they believe they represent those traditional values that they miss. However, change has to happen first to ‘get back’ to the past. Even though returning to the past is most probably impossible anyway as it has been romanticised too much; there is no such thing as ‘changing back’. Contrastingly, progressives might not be as driven by nostalgia, but also driven by their longing for change. This idea of change is much more focused on the future. They want to see change because the future should be better, brighter and fairer than it is now.

Does our difficult relationship with time, come from being discontent with the present? Maybe we pin our hopes on the past and the future, because of laziness. It is always easier to say that ‘it was’ or ‘it will’ be better, instead of trying to change things now. Perhaps we are afraid. What if we try to change things but it never does get better. Our perfect idea of how the world should exist does not translate to reality. Next to our complex relationship with change, we are not even sure if we are truly capable of it. If we want to believe the mathematic axiom of equality, then x=x, as famous ‘A Little Life’ author has stated. Applied to humans, that means that we are indeed incapable of change, as something in our core will always be x. That might explain why referring to the past and the future is so much easier, the notion that we might fail has been either answered already or remains unknown.

I think accepting change and accepting the notion of time is easier if we see time as a-linear. In modern and contemporary fiction the idea of time as a-linear is already present and tv series such as ‘Dark’ play with this concept as well. This means that the past, present and future all exist simultaneously. Deconstructing time in this way allows us to see the subjective notion of the concept. We measure time through beliefs that humans have invented, or as physicist Julian Barbour states: “Time is encoded in static configurations, which we see or experience subjectively, all of them fitting together to make time seem linear”[2]. Time then, is just an illusion. Concepts of past or future hold no relevance. However, that does not mean we are stuck in a limbo of change. Seen in both progressives and conservatists, in human emotions such as nostalgia and fear; change is the only constant. In our core (x), there is always ‘change’, which is in the end all that we humans can rely on.


[1] Murphy, A. (2009). “Longing, Nostalgia, and Golden Age Politics: The American Jeremiad and the Power of the Past”, Perspectives on Politics, 7(1): 125-141.

[2] Retrieved from: https://www.space.com/29859-the-illusion-of-time.html

moment of existence

it is
spaces between letters
and candles burning out
letters that return
and never read out loud

it is
specks of dust
that briefly catch my eye
the way you smile
every time you lie

it is
lonely evenings that
started out as gold

and it is nothing
worth addressing 

just a memory to fold.