I turned nineteen two days ago, which means I only have one more year left being a ‘teen’. I used to love growing up, I could not wait until I was a university student and I have always felt that I was older than I truly was. While I was still in high school I firmly believed everything would make sense if I would go to university and I am starting to have the tendency now, to believe that once I have a job, everything will fall into place. So, I was in a massive rush to grow up. To grow older and experience more, to be able to do more. I was curious about life and too easily bored by the phase of life I was in. Days before my birthday this sense of excitement sneaked into my body and once it was the second of January I wanted all the attention to be on me. On how I was another year older. I needed compliments, lovely letters and loving friends and family surrounding me. Perhaps I needed a confirmation of some sort, that I was doing well, that I was a good person.

This year I had not realised my birthday was coming up already. For some time now I have had the feeling that I am standing still. Everywhere around me friends tell me these exciting stories about all of their new experiences and people they have met. Even though I met some lovely people, I definitely would consider new friends, that have inspired me; I miss excitement. I miss smiling so much that my cheeks hurt because my new life in a new city is really pulling me in. I like my life there, but I think back to my life in high school quite often. I am currently in my hometown and I do not feel a deeply rooted desire to return back to my student life, apart from wanting to see some new friends I made there. The question always remains if I feel this numb, because my life is not that exciting or if there is something else going on. Maybe it takes a lot in order for me to be completely be blown away by something. Perhaps I am not that easily excited.

I know I should try a little harder. I have my life in my own hands. I have always been bad with pressure, sometimes I need to in order to function, but once it is too much I hide in a corner and pretend to be asleep instead of dealing with it. Knowing that I can do anything I like has maybe caused a little too much pressure and turning nineteen maybe made me feel as if my student years a slowly slipping away, and I am not enjoying them like I could. I need to spend my time doing more of what I want to and not think of everything I am supposed to do or be.

Perhaps not needing all the attention on my birthday is a sign of growing up. Or it is a sign of confidence, maybe I do not need all the reassurance of my friends and family, maybe I can find that within myself, which perhaps is also a sign of growing up. I understand why I have been in a such a rush to grow up and see and feel new things, yet I also understand why being a child is fun. Being the centre of attention for a whole day without feeling uncomfortable is fun. Being excited by everything around you is fun. Not having the enormous pressure of creating your own life is fun. Maybe being a grown up means feeling more, having it more complicated and I am glad that with nineteen I am aware of how young I am and I am afraid that my student years will slip away. Because then, I know I will at least try to make them memorable.