I look at him, eagerly waiting for something. I am not quite sure what it is, but every time I look at Con, I know that I want him to catch me watching. I am quietly observing in order to learn more about him. He is hard to read, although I understand his personality. If I were to describe Con, I could, that is not the hard part. Describing people always comes easy to me, I have a knack for knowing how people are strung together. What is he thinking though? Does he know that I am staring at him as much as I can without making it weird? Does Con suspect anything, did I give away too much already? My hands are sweaty so when he reaches for a high five, maybe even a possible handshake, I just touch his hand briefly, too afraid that he will feel my clammy hand. I am too afraid to let him know anything. I am too afraid of his judgement, too afraid of anyone’s judgement. Why can’t I be better? Why can’t I be different? Why can’t my hands be dry at all times? I want to hold his hand, I want to hug him for eternity, I want to kiss him and let my hands go through his hair. My words are still silent and my eyes still big. My mouth widens and I smile, giggle at his words, but still stay silent. I am too afraid that some words will come out and that they will give everything away, ruin everything. All of my feelings need to be secret, because I cannot be rejected, I will not survive a rejection, not Con’s, at least. I look at him, still eagerly waiting for something, but for what? What is there that he can do? My eyes follow his movements fastidiously. I feel like I am obsessed, like some sort of creep. Why? Con is a plain average, normal guy, why do I have this need to get his attention? Why do I want to talk to him so badly? “I know that you are watching him”, my boyfriend of two years says. I, quickly, let my eyes drop to the ground and reach for Benjamin’s hand. I can still feel his whisper, and with it his warm breath, in my neck. We need to break up, everyone knows that we are done, but we are both too afraid to be alone, so we stay together. Perhaps we are even lonelier as couple then apart, I often think. How long am I able to keep up with this? Benjamin lets go of my hand, he doesn’t like it when they are sweaty, who does? “Bonnie”, he whispers again, “we can’t keep doing this.” Apparently this party is the right place to break up. I break eye contact with the floor and say “what”, in a sharp tone. Benjamin did not expect me to be this aggressive and his eyes fill with fear for a millisecond. “We need to break up.” “Fine”, I say while still using the same tone. I don’t know why I am being so mean to him, he has done nothing wrong. He has been a lovely boyfriend. “Well, this is it then.” “Can we not do this here?” How do I get rid of this tone? “Alright, so you want to pretend to be together for another night?” I don’t want to, I want Benjamin to leave, I want him to leave without having to break up. I want Con’s arms around me. I feel like a teenage girl that is desperate for attention. “Fine Bonnie, we’ll talk tomorrow.” “Yes”, I say, softer now. Benjamin touches my hand briefly and walks away. I look at Con again, eagerly waiting for something, but for what, for what, for what?