I don’t want to write about how much or how little I am feeling anymore. Everytime a ‘poem’ floats out of my fingers, I feel awful typing it. I am pretentious. How can I call my own writings poems? How dare I publish anything online if I don’t know if it is good? Why do I think people should take me seriously? I am just a teenager crying for help, but not really, because I am a dramaqueen.
I was.
I was a fucking pretentious teeny, trying to be ‘deep’ by writing how much pain she had, while she was leading a perfectly comfortable life. And I am desperately trying to get away from that image, but by trying, I feel like I am getting closer to it, rather than stepping away from it. I have heard two times in the last week that I am ‘ a little too much with my poems’. ‘Do you really want to call your writings poems.’ ‘Hey, I got a great subreddit for you: ‘fourteen year old girls writing ‘deep’ things.”
I have a feeling I am at this awkward age, where I am not taking seriously at all and when I say I want to be a writer, I know that people look at me and think that I have enough time to realize that being a writer is impossible, I will understand how the ‘real’ world works soon enough. And those people are right. I am not throwing ‘shade’ at them, because I need them so that I won’t completely drown in my own world of writing things. I need rational human beings that say, I am pretentious and my poems do suck, because sometimes they do.

I write so much and I have kept it hidden for such a long time that I want to splurr everything out there right away now. Once I have written something I am proud of, which I think is actually good, actually says something, I want to show it to everybody around me and I feel like at the moment, I have been shoving my writings into everyone’s face, when they haven’t asked for it, causing me two feel two sided and very selfish. See, I want to show my poems, I want a reaction, good or bad, but I know people will eventually get sick of me. So what should I do? Should I keep my mouth shut, wait for them to ask me? Should I quietly post everything on here, until someone finds it and says something. No. I don’t want to do that, when I am excited about something, I want to share it with the entire world and I think it is great thing that I am not ashamed of my writings anymore. But I need to learn to filter. Not everything is great. I need to put my poem away for a few days and if I still think it is good then, I will show it people. I shouldn’t write something and immediatly show it to everyone, because more than often, it isn’t a great poem.

I guess it is also important for me to understand the core of why I am writing again. It isn’t to produce some lovely sounding words, but it is because I want to get something of my chest. I don’t know how to say it, how to talk to someone, so I just write it down, more than often in the format of a poem. Writing is essential to me, because it is my ‘waterfall’. I just write and once it has been written, I don’t have to think about it anymore. Once the water has fallen, it won’t climb back up again. I have learned to speak to people and thus also show my writings, which tend to be a little personal and I hate to talk about personal stuff. Maybe by showing people my writings, it is a way of saying that I want to talk about personal things, I just get uncomfortable if I have a direct conversation about. Then again, I also just really want a pat on the back and the latter is something, I should not want so much.

I want to be a writer, I really do and being vulnerable is important, but it is also important to filter the good writing from the bad writing before shoving it up in anyone’s face.