I think I am very close to freaking out. My days are currently filled with exams, tomorrow is my last one and I once again realize how much being in school is putting me down. I don’t know if it is my laziness or the fact that I am not doing what I like, but I seem to have no motivation whatsoever to study. It seems like I just don’t really care, but I am not sure why, because I do care. I care a lot actually, because getting my degree is my only chance of getting out of here and doing something I like. And I hate that I am moping around so much, because, in the end, these exams aren’t so hard, I just need to stop being so incredible lazy. I have no concentration and struggle to sit still for more than ten minutes, which is crazy. It is just a mind-set I need to get into. I need to actually focus for an half hour and then I’ll be in the right zone to study. The problem is, is that when I am not studying, I am still not productive, I don’t read, I don’t write, I just do nothing, lay on my floor and scroll through facebook or instagram, which is just ridiculous. I get nothing out of it and I am just wasting my time. And I hate the consequences, I hate the bad marks, but I somehow still do not change anything. Why am I sitting here right now, typing this dumb, full of self-pity, article when I could be studying French? What is my actual problem? Because at the end of the day, I know it isn’t that it is all so damn uninteresting, it plays a part sure, but the real reason is that I am just lazy. Lazy at my core and I am not really sure why. Maybe I stopped caring, but then again, that isn’t really true either, I do want to get good marks, I just hope that just happens, without putting an effort into anything.

I have thought a lot about what kind of person I want to be and I want to be the person that works until they get what they want, but even though I want to be that and in theory it seems lovely, every time I sit down and want to study, something in my brain just locks and starts repeating over and over again, that I don’t want to study. All fine and well, but sometimes you need to do things you don’t want to do and I guess I need to get it through my head that if I ever want to get somewhere remotely succesful, I need to put in a lot of work and need to stop thinking about how I want to do a lot of work. I guess ‘do, don’t tell’ is something I should actually, start following.