This time of the year is always very stressful, particulary this year with it being my last year and all, but I feel good. Very goody actually, energised and ready for what is to come. But to be completely honest, my emotions have been all over the place, so my mood could change soon enough. For now I feel great. Ready for my life, ready to focuse, ready to work and ready to write. I finally feel like I have control over my own life, something I have never truly felt before and it makes me so happy. I am the only person who controls my life and I am the only one that is allowed to boss around, because I am the boss. It is totally up to me how I live it and it is time to start taking some action to improve my life. It is the first time in my life where I am actually ‘doing what I want’. To some sort of extent of course, because I still am going to school. I still need to do all the shit that I am supposed to do. But at the same time, I am doing so much more. I am writing as much as I can, on this blog, on my Dutch blog, writing poetry, writing stories, writing songs. The latter is what I am enjoying particulary at the moment. There is just something great about scribbling down some chords and matching words with them, or the other way around.
With this new found feeling of control over my own life, there has come a massive confidence boost. I feel badass, because I feel like I am the boss. It is not as if I turned into some self-loving, hard bitch, but I am a bit more confident which feels great for a change. All the confidence leads to me singing songs all of sudden. Singing my own songs, being confident enough to actually perform them on a stage. And I know that my voice isn’t so great, it isn’t extraordinary, but isn’t as awful as I maybe think it is. It is alright, and it is fine to use while playing a song, especially a song which I wrote myself.
I want to stress the fact that I am in no way arrogant, because man am I still very insecure, but just not so insecure anymore, because I don’t feel like this scared girl, that is being pushed around so easily, any longer. I am now this insecure girl, who is taking action to improve her life and who isn’t so afraid of everything anymore. Who is just trying to get her shit together and having some fun.
I have been having a lot of fun lately, which causes a bit of lack of motivation for everything that isn’t fun. But, as long as I am aware that I am not giving it my best it is fine, I guess. I’ll work hard when the exams come, when I actuallly have to.
What I also realised is that I am much more myself. The person I am at home and the person I am at school are fusing into the same person and it feels so lovely. I finally realised that being sad won’t give me attention or a nice conversation. If I am myself, truly myself and start a conversation with someone I will get the reaction I wish for. I can steer the conversation in the direction I want, I have a great set of brains and can think for myself.

It amazes me, how much I am learning about myself, particulary this last year, I am so much more comfortable with everything and everyone around me. There are the same amount of awkward moments and they are still awkward as hell, but I am fine with it, because they are also a part of social interaction and I have to learn to deal with them.
Maybe everything I just wrote above is because I started to care less. Care less what people think of me, care less about some sort of image I have to portray. Care less and start actually talking, moving and being how I want to be how I am. A few years ago I would’ve never shown anyone my poetry, now I put them online, they are in my school newspaper, for every teacher and every student to judge and they do judge and sometimes they don’t like it and sometimes there a lot spelling mistakes or I use a word in the wrong way, because English is my third language, but I ask what is wrong, I ask what my mistakes are and correct them, I don’t get angry because someone is critising me, I want to hear it, so I can do better next time. And if someone doesn’t like what I wrote, that is fine as well. There a lot of poems I don’t like, people have different taste and it would be weird if everyone would enjoy everything I wrote.

It feels good to say I am in a place where I feel happy. To be in a place where I truly am myself and are having control over my life. I hope it stays this way.