I am sitting behind my laptop, in my kitchen, it is late. Well not really. Not the ‘Omg I have been up all night’ kind of late. It is a normal time to go to bed, if you have to be somewhere tomorrow. It is a time where it is possible to get those solid eight hours of sleep. So I am sitting here, looking at my reflection in the window as it is pitch-black outside. I see a seventeen year old girl. A girl with dreams and desires, a girl ‘ready’ for the world, a girl who knows what she wants. But at the same time, I see this seventeen year old girl. A little teenager, who has no idea about anything. A girl who wants believe that this world is a good place so bad, that she sometimes just closes her eyes for the bad things, like a little kid would do. Because if you can’t see it, it is not there right? I see this insecure, lost and scared girl. A girl who does not know what her place in this society is, let alone know what her place in this world is. A girl who does not want to think about existentialism and the universe, because she doesn’t know the answers to so many questions she has. Yet again, she closes her eyes, because perhaps then it isn’t that bad. If she doesn’t think about it, she doesn’t worry about it. I see this girl so easily pushed around and influenced by her surroundings. You just have to say one thing and she will believe you, because she trusts you. It is a naive girl, with I truly believe a good heart, but she just does not know what to do. She doesn’t know and she wonders if anyone ever really knows? I see this girl that tries to understand just a tiny little piece of this universe and her role in it, but isn’t able to and wonders is she will ever be able to. A girl who is trying to figure out who she is, because only then she can figure out who she wants to become. She sometimes thinks she knows herself, but she learns a new lesson about herself everyday and as exciting as that sounds, I also see a girl who is so tired of her own existence. So tired of all her worries that she just wants to close her eyes and sleep, because then, maybe, her worries will disappear. The girl knows that her worries aren’t real worries, she knows they mean nothing compared to the worries from other humans, but she does feel them. They do make her want to curl up in a corner. I see a girl that is so sensitive and emotional but sometimes masks it, because she hasn’t found a way to let out her emotions without feeling awkward. The longer I look into this window, the more the girl who knows who she is disappears and the more I realise that perhaps, there is only this scared, lost and insecure teenager.

And the longer I look, the more do I understand that seeing exactly that, is alright. Because this girl I am seeing is only seventeen and she isn’t supposed to know everything. She should learn everyday about herself and she should realise that even though her worries may be not as big as others, they still matter, because those worries are hers. She feels the emotions that come with these worries and she shouldn’t close her eyes and hope they will disappear. She should look them in the eye and start changing them, because then she will grow and maybe learn who she actually is, and who she wants to be.

I look into this window and see a reflection of myself and I see my big and scared eyes. I see that I want to be writer but question myself everyday if I am good enough and I see that I am lazy and that could do so much more, but I also see me. The insecure, wanting to be a writer, lazy, lost and scared teenager who has yet to learn so many things. But instead of pushing these lessons away, I should stop being afraid and start learning them.

So I turn my face and the white screen of my computer reflects on it. Time has passed, it still isn’t late. But it is time to go to bed and perhaps tomorrow, I will look into the window and see a slightly less scared, lost and insecure girl. Perhaps tomorrow.