I have currently easter vacation. Is that what people in America call springbreak? For me it is easter vacation. Two weeks of ‘freedom’. I have been needing this freedom a lot this year. school sucks, we all say that from time to time, but for me it is just that I am done with it. I don’t like the subjects I am been tought, the things that I like aren’t big subjects in class and are just quickly run through and I can’t find any motivation to go back to that place, every single day. I have seen it. I just can’t handle school anymore and the lack of motivation sure does not help. Where did my motivation go anyway? I feel like I have become this lazy person, who just sits on her couch watching series on netflix. The person I hate so much. I want to be doing hundreds of things, want to be busy, constantly busy. Instead I am clicking on next episode twenty times a day. Maybe it is because I am suffering a little. I am feeling spaced out and it could be that I have a light form of depersonalisation, but that shouldn’t bring me down this much. I just want to do so many things, why am I not doing them. Take for example today: I wanted to write a lot, read a lot, maybe even do some schoolwork. Instead of doing that I just watch netflix series the whole day. I hate being so unproductive, I hate this state I am in. I have been in for the last six months. And when is it going to pass? Should I just wait untill something motivates me again? Why is this so hard anyway? Why don’t I get up and start doing things? If you think logically about it, it is really a simple thing. I just get up and start doing things. I have a enough energy, I slept like eleven hours. But that is the thing, emotions are the opposite of logical thinking. There is no reason why you’re not feeling it today, you just aren’t and that is alright. For a short amount of time, because some time you have to start doing things. There are things every person has to do. So do I. Eventually I get up and start doing things, but when I’m done, I still do not feel productive, because I have still left these up untill the last moment. So now, instead of complaining of how I am not doing things, I am going to write down, what I am going to do.

I am going to get up early. (Not too early, I mean it is still vacation after all). I am going to put on sports clothes and going to run at least four kilometres. Then I am going to shower and start reading. I will make the calls I need to make, even the one to my driversschool to plan my theory test of which I am extremely afraid to plan. Tomorrow is the day I am going to get some shit done. And it is alright to relax as well. I can still watch one episode of a series, but not five. Not the whole day. I want to be the productive and energetic girl again. Not this lazy, tired, moody one. It is time that I choose who I want to be and it is time I am going to be who I want to be. It starts this evening. Going to bed at a resonable time. I am so ready to be different. Are you?

X

Babette Helena