So… Do you know these days where you just feel sad but do not know why? Well, it has not particulary been one of those days but one of those evenings. Let me explain:

I have always known what I wanted to do when I was older. I want to write. I want to create stories and films and series. I know what I want. I’ve known for quite some time now. Therefore, I want to grow up so fast. I want to do those things I really like and I don’t want to do maths, physics, geography, all those subjects, I do not want to do them. I want to do things I really like. But I have wanted this for about one and half year now. I need to finish school and this is another two years. So I am extremely rushing to grow up. I want to be a student, do things I like, meet new inspiring people. I do not like being sixteen, I feel that when I am twenty everything will be different. I know how it sounds, but I have this burning feeling inside that it is true.
So, why am I sad?
I am sad because for the first time I experienced some nostalgia. I am in my last two years of high school and all of sudden I feel so old. These two years are the end sprint until the finish, that is how it feels. And I don’t know where it comes from all of a sudden but I feel sad that it is almost over. Do not get me wrong, again I really want to start doing what I like. But to have a place where you need to go everyday is really comforting. I am for the first time in my life, scared of the future and I am so confused. This is a completley new feeling and I do not know how to deal with this. On one hand I can not wait to start at uni, but on the other hand am I scared for everything. For making the wrong decisions in life. It is really weird I can not really describe this feeling. Maybe I just feel old. Maybe, I feel like my highschool years pasted away in a second. Which is weird because they are not even over yet. I guess it feels all weird. It feels weird that people who are only one year older than me, and also good friends of mine are almost finished at school. I feel weird to be one of the older ones. Everyday when I walk through school I see al those new faces. I used know everyone at my school. Now, I can only recognize a few. I rember being so little, looking up to all the people who were sixteen. Because being sixteen is so old! Those people had already chose their subjects! Now that I am doing this, I ask myself if people look up to me? Everyday when I walk through school and see those new faces, I ask myself: do they know me? Because I used know everyone who was older than me.

I guess this ‘fear’ is because I think everything was better in the past. I don’t mean my past, but the really old past. The 80’s for example. I just like them more. Not only, I also believe that everything is better in the future, cause again I will be doing that what I like. I need to stop that. I need to stop and look at my own life. I am now sixteen, not twenty, and I am going to school everyday. That is how I should think. The future will come, I should not be worried about it. The past is gone, I won’t be another little girl who looks up to every ‘Old’ highschooler. I should not worry if people look up to me, because than I will just be scared, or sad that ‘times have changed’. Because that line is not been used enough by our society isn’t it?
Well. This article was extremely messy and I am still not sure what I want to say exactly, but it is nice to just write your thoughts down. This means they are out of my head, on paper.
Have a lovely evening

X

Babette Helena