It has been a bit blurry the past month. My whole life was just one big blur. It seemed like I slept the whole time and suddenly I woke up. After phoning an hour with my friend, I woke up. The trees seemed greener de sky seemed more blue and my mind seemed crytsal clear. The fuzzy cloud had dissapeared and I asked myself why I fell into that big sleep modus.

I gave up on so many things, I attended classes but wasn’t really there. I was just staring and thinking of other things. Al I could think about was how ugly I was, how dumb I was and I had just given up life a little bit. Not that I was depressed or something, it wasn’t that bad. But there was this dark cloud above my head the whole time. I lost my whole motivations and all I did was standing in my own way. I told myself I couldn’t do it because I was to dumb, to ugly or whatever and because of that I didn’t even tried doing it. I ignored people I was unfriendly and wasn’t myself. Normally I talk to a lot of people but this last month was just weird.

After my friend said that I was acting a little bit weird I figured there was something wrong. I had complexes with myself and in a phone call I told my friend everything. She really helped me out there. I wasn’t really friendly to her the past month and I have the feeling that we have become now a bit closer because I told her everything. She is the one person who knows everything about me.

After the cloud cleared up, I suddenly started to see how weird I was acting. I wasn’t making any jokes. I had barerly spoken in any of my lessons and I haven’t been the best friend. So I started to try act ‘normal’ again. I was still unconfident about everything. I am still actually. Which is really weird because before my sleeping modus I was really confident. But I started talking in the lesson. I started joking around, started to actually say what I thought and it made me feel so good. I was finally relieved, i could say what thought and wasn’t filtering the things I wanted to say the whole time. I could finally speak again.

I am finally thinking about other things, but there is one thing that kept me going. How did I got in such a big blur? It was such a haze the whole time and I don’t know why…

I have thought a lot about this and I think I have an answer. The main reason is, is that I stopped believing in myself. I just gave up on myself. Thinking that I was a complete loser who couldn’t do anything. Who would just fail at life. I realised now that if I’m thinking something like that at the age of fifteen I am really going to be a fail. I shouldn’t give up now. (You should never give up actually) I have my whole life ahead of me and it isn’t going to workt out if I say at the age of fifteen that I am a complete loser. That I am ugly and dumb. It isn’t working. It doesnt’t help. So why don’t I say, that I am not that ugly? Why don’t I’m actually quite good and some things? That I am actually pretty smart? Is it arrogant? It don’t think it is arrogant to believe in yourself. And that is what I am going to do. I am believing in myself and that is where it starts. From there it is only working your butt of. With only hard work you will get exactly there where you want to be,

I wish you all I good night and I want you to believe in yourselfe! You guys are totally awesome and nobody can say you guys aren’t!

Speak to you soon!

X

Babette Helena